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you know ivie, i am upset. but not too much, so you shouldn't worry.
i wish you would CALL ME SOMETIME so we can discuss, because i have had so much trouble keeping my feelings from everyone and i think everyone in my lit class knows that i hate fat people.

I'M BACK BITCHES.

I have been such a terrible person lately. I mean, I was so completely self-absorbed that I completely forgot everyone I care about. Like Azalea. Please don't me angry with me. :[

Summer ended. I gained weight. Cross Country started. I lost weight. I am CONTINUING to lose weight. I have never been so excited. :]
I think that 6 miles a day in 95 degree weather will do that to you.
So I have been eating what I want, to a point, and I am loving it. I run 6 days a week, and yesterday I ran nearly 4 miles worth of sprints. God, I love Cross Country.
Except for the meets... Those make me so nervous.

Oh well. That's my update. More to come!! I'm not going to abandon you again.

Xoxo,
Ivie

i've been reading some thinspo books lately, and i've realized that they all SUCK.
i have read only two decent ones, stick figure and wintergirls.
i think i will purchase wintergirls, beca se i liked it so well.
school starts next friday.
my mom wants to go shopping with me, and i kinds of do too, but i'm afraid of what size i will be, and i'm afraid that if i do lose alot of weight (which is very unlikely, but it could still happen) then all that money would go to waste. what i primarily need is pants, and you can't wear pants that are too big, you just can't. you'll have to wear a belt, and then the thighs area will look all baggy, and then your ubtt looks saggy because it gets all loose, so i don't want to shell out 350 for like only three pairs of jeans.
shirts, shirts are okay. i don't really care if they are baggy. i don't mind the 'swimming in my clothing' look, but only with shirts. if my pants are too big, and they aren't sweats, i get anxious. also if i have lots of pant room, i tend to overeat.

god. i wish so badly that i was perfect. so fucking badly.

ohkay. stupid anons.
why do people always have to turn something that was meant for good into something VERY BAD that destroys one's self esteem and peace of mind?

god. i have this stupid anon on formspring and tumblr, and they said i was a hypocritical, self centered. conceited, nosy bitch, and that i think i'm the queen of the world.
some of my friends know that i lost some wieght. i guess it would be natural to answer their questions and help them if they ask me to right?
but thats not being hypocritical. if i was telling them to do this and that but i wasn't doing it myself, that would be hypocritical. that bitch doesn't know what she is talking about. and you little bitch, i know who you are, BAYASA. gtfo.
seriously. i gave you a chance, actually many chances, and you blew all of them, and you treat me like dirt, like you're the queen of the world, and you expect me not to know its you?
god. i know how you write, too. if someone has known you for 15 years, i think they would know how you like to write. you just get your illegal immigrant ass out of here. okay? thanks.

so. i have been eating, but only low calorie health foods.
and i'm FINALLY POOPING AGAIN!!!
i'm gonna go poop for the second time today after i finish this.

:)
-Azalea

soooo. i think not eating is making me stupid, or numb i guess is a better way to put it.

i was siting in front of the mirror, like ALWAYS, hehe and i was looking at my face, and stuffyeah. my mother comes in and says, why you wasting your time looking at that fat thing? and i got so angry that i maganed to bite through my cheeks. thats bad right?

i think so. and this morning my parents woke me up beofre they went to work, and i was only wearing a t shirt, and my dad was like "hey stand with your feet together!" so i did, and he's like "ohmygod your thighs are so fat. they still thouch eath other!"/disgust. and i was like "excuse me that beacuse i'm NOT bowlegged UNLIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON IN OUR RACE.

then he left all sassily.
GRRR I AM SPENDING THE DAY ON THE STAIR STEPPER.
nice motivation huh? a dad.
-Azalea.

so. i am doing the mastercleanse which requires that i do not eat for ten days. i didn't want to write about it on the first day because i was afraid i would fail, but its been four days so far and no food.
:)

i don't know what i weight because my brother broke the scale, but i think i'm getting thinner. i'm not completely sure though.
the scale is broken and it reads 117.8 when i step on it.

-Azalea

so the other day, i was drunk. and i mean REALLY drunk.

i don't remember much of what happened, but the only thing i do remember is that i had a revelation.

my father is the reason i am so fucked up.

i think it started when i was seven or eight, he would constantly tell me to eat less, or that i look fat, or that when i grow up i'll be ugly and stupid things like that. i remember it got to the point that i had to hide food in my room. i used to hide popcorn in my nightstand, and the kernels would get stuck in my teeth, and i think that's probably why i got a cavity that year.

anyway. i had such a fucked up childhood. on top of lots of scarring stuff i would rather not talk about, i was never able to enjoy myself because i was always worried about how i look to other people. i know i care about what other people think of me wayyy too much, but i can't help it anymore. its sad that the worst thing i anyone could call me is ugly, or fat.

anyway. i am writing this now, because my dad has been wanting me to wear shorts and skirts and stuff, 'dress like a girl' as he puts it. i told him i have a body image problem and low self esteem, WHICH HE FUCKING CAUSED but the fucker says i shouldn't be ashamed of myself. on the other hand, my mom says i need to run and exercise in order to be at the very least, 'normal'. seriously. are the hypocrites or what?

annnyway alot of people know that i'm trying to lose wieght, and they suck because when i go out with them and they want to eat but i decline, they are like 'oh you're fine have a cupcake', so i take it because they make me feel better and then i feel worse because i have to purge and i also get fat.

ah i'm getting so distracted while writing this post.

later

-Azalea

i was a failure today. my period ended, so no more cramps to cover up my hunger.

tomorrow i'm wearing a corset all day to prevent that from happening again.
aaaand tomorrow i'm exercising so much. gonna try for eight mile run.
we'll see.
-Azalea

I hate myself.

I can't do anything right.

I am so fucking weak.

stupidbabystupidfatstupiduglystupidweakstupidobesestupidfatstupidbabystupidlost.

I am running in the morning with the XC team.

And tomorrow: nothing.

I ate more than enough today.

IHATEMYSTUPIDFATSELF.

-Ivie

i am proud.

three days of food total: 700 calories.

i just stopped being hungry. and i eat a cup or iceberg lettuce to please my family. i honestly don't think they give a shit though. my dad always tells me i need to lose weight, since i was a wee eight year old. i think he may be the reason i have BDD.
but nonetheless, i am pleased with my progress. i will only be standing on a scale once a week so i don't get anxious.

-Azalea

I already know today is going to be a bad day.

So far today I've had a Diet Pepsi. That's all, and it's 2:30.

But, I'm on my way to a summer party with my family.

I made food to bring. I am expected to eat.

These people are the kind of people that get offended if you don't eat. They are the fat, calorie guzzling population that feel threatened by your prowess to become thin.

I will not eat any meat. I will only eat a little; enough to make them happy.

I will NOT have any dessert. Because I can deny and deny and deny.

Then I will come home and reward myself for good behavior by knowing I'm stronger.

Green tea green tea green tea baby.

Stay strong.

-Ivie

you know. most people's weaknesses are the sugary fatlaced sweet stuff, but mine is the oilysaltygreasyfilled-with-cholesterol junk that will kill me even faster.

my mother buys cake and candy and pastries all the time, but i never touch them. i like to think if that as a little victory i have over the world.

tomorrow. i will eat only one cup of activia, one-two jello cups, half a bottle of IZZE, and my diet tea.

since i'm eating so little i obviously won't have a lot of stuff to poop. but i can't stand feeling alll clogged up, because the feeling after taking a huge dump makes me so happy. and you instantly lose weight from it.

weight, it's just a number. there are tons of people heavier than me who look so much thinner.

my weight may just be a number, but its the only measurable way i can prove that i'm good enough.

its not enough to hear from people that i'm fine. i need to be more than fine, i need to be what guys mean when they say a girl is 'fiiiine'

i hope you understand that. i wish people would understand that my opinion about myself is MY opinion, and i'm only trying to change myself for the better. noone does anything for themself that they know is bad for them. even cutters, yeah obviously its stupid and healthwise 'bad' for you, but it may make you FEEL better, and isn't peace of mind the one of the most valuable things a person can have?

honestly i don't know.

i just want to be as good as i can possibly be. in every single area.

losing weight is not only a matter of becoming thin, i need to prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to change who i am. i don't want to be controlled by those stupid numbers on the scale.

yes i realize i'm AM being controlled right now, but once i'm thin enough, i will be out of its grasp.

once i prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to overcome this fat problem, i will be able to do anything. i will be confident, and even if i might not BE beautiful, i will feel it.

that will be enough.

-Azalea

i am willing to have my period every day for the rest of my life if it continues to cover up my hunger pains.
and you know what? i only had a spoonful of blackbeans and two jello cups. definitely under 200cal.
-Azalea

new plan. stay under 200cal a day.
by eating 10cal JELLO CUPS.
up to 20 a day.
hm. that sounds like heaven to me.
and lots of green tea and detox tea.
-Azalea

Today I Am Beautiful.

Azalea and I decided last night that we were only going to eat a cup of yogurt today.
And that only when we were dying of hunger. So far, I have had ice water, a bottle of Diet Pepsi, and three orange Skittles. (To appease my grandma.)
I am running on empty and feeling good. I am strong today: I ran the concession counter for my sisters gymnastics meet. That boils down to three hours straight staring at all sorts of calories and sugar and carbs right there... And taking absolutely nothing.
That is how strong I am. I can deny.

I hope this will continue for tonight. I will go driving with my dad, I will not splurge on dinner or any dessert.

Strongstrongstrongstrongstrong.

And yet, for all of my emptiness today, I am still not empty enough.

Empty is strong; empty is full. My mantra.

I will weigh myself at the end of tonight, and that will give me inspiration to stay strong tomorrow.

I
can
do
this.

I know I can.

Stay strong. It is soooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie

AZALEA: a poisonous flower. Beautiful, but poison.

Meet my friend Azalea. She's like me: on the path to perfection.
She's super smart and super insightful. She is strong.

She's the one who triggered my Ana tendencies. She's spread Ana through her group of friends. She's like a virus.
And this is why I love her. Azalea is brutally honest, and she keeps me on track when I want to be weak.

-Ivie

Bad Day.

Last day of driving school was today. The girls and I went to lunch between sessions to celebrate. I had a small bowl of black beans and rice, because I needed the protein.

Then after my class, I went to the DMV to get my permit (finally!) and that's when it all went down hill. Some how my brain convinced my stomach that I needed lots of food. It thought I needed a reward for passing my test.

WRONG TEST, STUPID BODY.

So I've thrown up once today. And tonight wasn't any better.

I feel sooo weak. I tried to be strong; it didn't work.

Stupidfatstupiduglystupidloststupidbabystupidweakstupidobesestupidlost.

I disgust myself. Got on the scale: 110 pounds. What the fuck is WRONG WITH ME??

I am stuck in a rut. Tomorrow I will restrict. I will drive my sorry ass to the gym. I will burn my leg fat until the sun goes down. And then I will be clean and pink and empty inside.

I will win. I will win. I will win.

Just remember: Stay strong. It is sooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie

i love being empty.
when i'm hungry, there's no food in my stomach right?
so there's no food to contest with the air going into my lungs.
when i'm empty, my lungs are capable of drawing in all the air possible.
i feel like i can actually breath when i'm hungry.
for most of my life, i've felt suffocated, but this feeling of being able to breathe is new, and wonderful.
i'm not going to eat, ever.
-Azalea

I love having my period because the pain from the cramps covers up the hunger pains.
-Azalea

My Quasi-Epiphany.

I was reading other blogs, written by people like me: People on the war-path to perfection.

I am stronger than most of them. They have to binge and binge and binge and then purge to make themselves clean and pink on the inside. I can deny and deny and deny. Iliketodeny.

-I do not eat meat. It holds too much temptation to binge and binge and binge. If I stay away from vile things like cows and chickens, I can stay empty.

-I do not drink. Except Diet Coke. Sure, that shit will kill you, but I'm addicted.

-I do not eat 800 cals a day. That is disgusting, and will result in purging, which I do not do.

-I do not feel like denying is a punishment. It is a reward for getting so strong.

Empty is strong; empty is full.

So stay strong. It is soooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie

Poison

I'm Ivie.

Age 15.

Height 5 feet 1 inch.

Weight 108.

I'm Ana & Mia. I found out why my mother named me Ivie: I am like poison. I will never be good enough, or strong enough, or perfect enough. I will never control enough, so I control through my body.

Because only I can change my body.

"Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and the worst of all: 'a disappointment.' Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop. Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat, scream that everysinglething is wrong with you. 'Why?' is the wrong question. Ask 'Why not?'"