And this time it's because of a boy, again... But a different boy. We'll call this one C. Anyway, the story is pretty much like any other. We met through a mutual friend, he started following me and talking to me, and now we're in that awkward "not quite apart but not quite together" phase... But he's already made a date to meet my parents and we're going out Friday. So I'm happy.
You know when you have a crush, and so your eating gets all messed up because every time you think about him your stomach twists?? It's kind of a wonderful feeling.
I want to remember what it feels like to be empty all the time. The wonderful, clean, powerful, skinny feeling of not being full of food that will drip off of your thighs and ripple at your hips. I wish that I could remember this feeling every time I touch a piece of traitor-food.
I've also started running and lifting again, which is hard, because if I don't eat enough I pass out, and if I pass out my parents get suspicious... And that is never a good thing. I ran two miles tonight and lifted weights for 20 minutes, and did 100 crunches and 20 pushups. I feel sore and like I'm in control of myself for the first time in a long time...
Anyway, here's my Eating List for today:
~ 10 Sour Patch Kids for breaky (20 cals)
~ Nada nada nada for lunch. Went out with C and his friends :] (0 cals!)
~ A tortilla and a handful of dried cherries when C dropped me at home. (Appx. 120 cals)
~A bag of mini-Oreos when my dad "insisted" (130 cals)
~ Half an apple and some yogurt before I worked out to speed my metabolism. Yogurt is so good for that, because of the active cultures. (200 cals)
Soooo, Cal Count:
470 all together today.
~Worked out for 45 minutes. (-200 cals)
Estimated 270 cals today. The beautiful thing about working out is it speeds your metabolism for the rest of the day, which is why I wish I had time to do it in the morning... But as long as I do it at all I'm okay.
Stay strong, my pretties. We can do it. Remember that beautiful, wonderful, ethereal empty feeling and hold it close. Do what I do, and write the feeling somewhere on your body. I write control on my palm and I've carved an infinity symbol on my wrist to permanently remind me that I am as infinite as I choose to be.
Love forever, xoxo,
Ivie
