AZALEA: a poisonous flower. Beautiful, but poison.

Meet my friend Azalea. She's like me: on the path to perfection.
She's super smart and super insightful. She is strong.

She's the one who triggered my Ana tendencies. She's spread Ana through her group of friends. She's like a virus.
And this is why I love her. Azalea is brutally honest, and she keeps me on track when I want to be weak.

-Ivie

Bad Day.

Last day of driving school was today. The girls and I went to lunch between sessions to celebrate. I had a small bowl of black beans and rice, because I needed the protein.

Then after my class, I went to the DMV to get my permit (finally!) and that's when it all went down hill. Some how my brain convinced my stomach that I needed lots of food. It thought I needed a reward for passing my test.

WRONG TEST, STUPID BODY.

So I've thrown up once today. And tonight wasn't any better.

I feel sooo weak. I tried to be strong; it didn't work.

Stupidfatstupiduglystupidloststupidbabystupidweakstupidobesestupidlost.

I disgust myself. Got on the scale: 110 pounds. What the fuck is WRONG WITH ME??

I am stuck in a rut. Tomorrow I will restrict. I will drive my sorry ass to the gym. I will burn my leg fat until the sun goes down. And then I will be clean and pink and empty inside.

I will win. I will win. I will win.

Just remember: Stay strong. It is sooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie

i love being empty.
when i'm hungry, there's no food in my stomach right?
so there's no food to contest with the air going into my lungs.
when i'm empty, my lungs are capable of drawing in all the air possible.
i feel like i can actually breath when i'm hungry.
for most of my life, i've felt suffocated, but this feeling of being able to breathe is new, and wonderful.
i'm not going to eat, ever.
-Azalea

I love having my period because the pain from the cramps covers up the hunger pains.
-Azalea

My Quasi-Epiphany.

I was reading other blogs, written by people like me: People on the war-path to perfection.

I am stronger than most of them. They have to binge and binge and binge and then purge to make themselves clean and pink on the inside. I can deny and deny and deny. Iliketodeny.

-I do not eat meat. It holds too much temptation to binge and binge and binge. If I stay away from vile things like cows and chickens, I can stay empty.

-I do not drink. Except Diet Coke. Sure, that shit will kill you, but I'm addicted.

-I do not eat 800 cals a day. That is disgusting, and will result in purging, which I do not do.

-I do not feel like denying is a punishment. It is a reward for getting so strong.

Empty is strong; empty is full.

So stay strong. It is soooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie

Poison

I'm Ivie.

Age 15.

Height 5 feet 1 inch.

Weight 108.

I'm Ana & Mia. I found out why my mother named me Ivie: I am like poison. I will never be good enough, or strong enough, or perfect enough. I will never control enough, so I control through my body.

Because only I can change my body.

"Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and the worst of all: 'a disappointment.' Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop. Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat, scream that everysinglething is wrong with you. 'Why?' is the wrong question. Ask 'Why not?'"