Feeling Good.

I'm back. Again... Because I can't finish anything I start.

And this time it's because of a boy, again... But a different boy. We'll call this one C. Anyway, the story is pretty much like any other. We met through a mutual friend, he started following me and talking to me, and now we're in that awkward "not quite apart but not quite together" phase... But he's already made a date to meet my parents and we're going out Friday. So I'm happy.

You know when you have a crush, and so your eating gets all messed up because every time you think about him your stomach twists?? It's kind of a wonderful feeling.

I want to remember what it feels like to be empty all the time. The wonderful, clean, powerful, skinny feeling of not being full of food that will drip off of your thighs and ripple at your hips. I wish that I could remember this feeling every time I touch a piece of traitor-food.

I've also started running and lifting again, which is hard, because if I don't eat enough I pass out, and if I pass out my parents get suspicious... And that is never a good thing. I ran two miles tonight and lifted weights for 20 minutes, and did 100 crunches and 20 pushups. I feel sore and like I'm in control of myself for the first time in a long time...

Anyway, here's my Eating List for today:

~ 10 Sour Patch Kids for breaky (20 cals)

~ Nada nada nada for lunch. Went out with C and his friends :] (0 cals!)

~ A tortilla and a handful of dried cherries when C dropped me at home. (Appx. 120 cals)

~A bag of mini-Oreos when my dad "insisted" (130 cals)

~ Half an apple and some yogurt before I worked out to speed my metabolism. Yogurt is so good for that, because of the active cultures. (200 cals)

Soooo, Cal Count:

470 all together today.

~Worked out for 45 minutes. (-200 cals)

Estimated 270 cals today. The beautiful thing about working out is it speeds your metabolism for the rest of the day, which is why I wish I had time to do it in the morning... But as long as I do it at all I'm okay.

Stay strong, my pretties. We can do it. Remember that beautiful, wonderful, ethereal empty feeling and hold it close. Do what I do, and write the feeling somewhere on your body. I write control on my palm and I've carved an infinity symbol on my wrist to permanently remind me that I am as infinite as I choose to be.

Love forever, xoxo,

Ivie

Some people hunger for food, and some people hunger for love.

I was apparently hungering for love. Apart from my almost-blacked-out-while-driving-home-from-work-binge of 6 Chips Ahoy cookies, I have been so very good. :]

Today I had:

~ 5 Cups of Natural Green Tea (Speeds your metabolism!!)

~ 1 Large Diet Coke at McD's

~ 1/2 of a sliced kiwi

~ And a few bites of a doughnut to appease my mother... She's too smart for her own good.

So that's been my food for the day. I'm feeling empty and pure and strong. D and I have been talking all night. I like this kid and I guess I'm partially doing this for him. I want to be so perfect for him.

I went to hot yoga tonight with my mother (I don't recommend it if you're prone to fainting. I got super light headed) and we ran into D on his way out of the gym from playing basketball. He kissed me and looked so good and I felt better in my yoga pants because I've lost almost 5 pounds so far.

Now I'm doing homework and contemplating self-control. I wrote 'control' on my wrist today, and it reminds me that empty is strong, empty is good. If I stay in control, then I will be perfect.

xoxo,

Ivie

Guess Who's Back??

I'm back, I'm full-speed-ahead, I'm inspired.

Over the winter I gained SOMUCHWEIGHT. I made myself sick, daily. Over the summer, I lost a little but not enough; never enough. But now I'm back because of one thing: I'm in love. He's incredible, he's inspiring, and he is all mine for now. Obviously it's not really love, but I'll take all the inspiration I can get.

I started eating a little less on Thursday (6 days ago) to slim down a little for Homecoming on Saturday. But once my body recognized that process from so long ago, it got hooked again. Now I've fallen into the old pattern, the same old song and dance. Somehow I'm okay with it.

I haven't eaten anything seriously substantial in days. I've been hungry, but it comes and it goes and I feel so strong. It's wonderful, this feeling of accomplishment.

I'm going to stick with this, I can feel it. Every time I automatically reach for something, I think "Will he love me if I'm fat?" and I can abstain. I know it's illogical, but he must, will, is going to love me more when I am skinny.

I've lost a few pounds already, and I can really tell. My stomach is flatter, my waist in tinier, my arms are thinner.

Nothing tastes as good as this feels.

I've been running with my cross country team, and so far I've been okay. I want to keep at this, because I am strong enough to do this and make people envy me.

He and I have been dancing around each other for weeks. But we both know what's going to happen. Trust me, I'm not delusional. I don't chase after things out of my reach, ever. I like him, more than anything. I'll let you know when we're official. He'll appreciate my task at hand.

I'll be posting more. I missed this too much.

Stay strong, xoxo,

IVIE

i'm so fucking fat i don't know what to do with myself.

i want to be a lawyer, but looking good equals more money and i don't want to bust my ass trying to become a lawyer when i'm stuck in this nasty body.

my face is shit, so having a good physique is the least i can do, but as it turns out, it's the most i can do.

i suck.

i weigh more now than i did when i first started.

what the fuck is wrong with me??

most people just complain about having lost inly twenty pounds and then being stuck there, but i can't even ufkcing lose a single pound and keep it off.

i'm such a goddamn failure.

Visit us at cautionpoison.tumblr.com

you know ivie, i am upset. but not too much, so you shouldn't worry.
i wish you would CALL ME SOMETIME so we can discuss, because i have had so much trouble keeping my feelings from everyone and i think everyone in my lit class knows that i hate fat people.

I'M BACK BITCHES.

I have been such a terrible person lately. I mean, I was so completely self-absorbed that I completely forgot everyone I care about. Like Azalea. Please don't me angry with me. :[

Summer ended. I gained weight. Cross Country started. I lost weight. I am CONTINUING to lose weight. I have never been so excited. :]
I think that 6 miles a day in 95 degree weather will do that to you.
So I have been eating what I want, to a point, and I am loving it. I run 6 days a week, and yesterday I ran nearly 4 miles worth of sprints. God, I love Cross Country.
Except for the meets... Those make me so nervous.

Oh well. That's my update. More to come!! I'm not going to abandon you again.

Xoxo,
Ivie