i was a failure today. my period ended, so no more cramps to cover up my hunger.

tomorrow i'm wearing a corset all day to prevent that from happening again.
aaaand tomorrow i'm exercising so much. gonna try for eight mile run.
we'll see.
-Azalea

I hate myself.

I can't do anything right.

I am so fucking weak.

stupidbabystupidfatstupiduglystupidweakstupidobesestupidfatstupidbabystupidlost.

I am running in the morning with the XC team.

And tomorrow: nothing.

I ate more than enough today.

IHATEMYSTUPIDFATSELF.

-Ivie

i am proud.

three days of food total: 700 calories.

i just stopped being hungry. and i eat a cup or iceberg lettuce to please my family. i honestly don't think they give a shit though. my dad always tells me i need to lose weight, since i was a wee eight year old. i think he may be the reason i have BDD.
but nonetheless, i am pleased with my progress. i will only be standing on a scale once a week so i don't get anxious.

-Azalea

I already know today is going to be a bad day.

So far today I've had a Diet Pepsi. That's all, and it's 2:30.

But, I'm on my way to a summer party with my family.

I made food to bring. I am expected to eat.

These people are the kind of people that get offended if you don't eat. They are the fat, calorie guzzling population that feel threatened by your prowess to become thin.

I will not eat any meat. I will only eat a little; enough to make them happy.

I will NOT have any dessert. Because I can deny and deny and deny.

Then I will come home and reward myself for good behavior by knowing I'm stronger.

Green tea green tea green tea baby.

Stay strong.

-Ivie

you know. most people's weaknesses are the sugary fatlaced sweet stuff, but mine is the oilysaltygreasyfilled-with-cholesterol junk that will kill me even faster.

my mother buys cake and candy and pastries all the time, but i never touch them. i like to think if that as a little victory i have over the world.

tomorrow. i will eat only one cup of activia, one-two jello cups, half a bottle of IZZE, and my diet tea.

since i'm eating so little i obviously won't have a lot of stuff to poop. but i can't stand feeling alll clogged up, because the feeling after taking a huge dump makes me so happy. and you instantly lose weight from it.

weight, it's just a number. there are tons of people heavier than me who look so much thinner.

my weight may just be a number, but its the only measurable way i can prove that i'm good enough.

its not enough to hear from people that i'm fine. i need to be more than fine, i need to be what guys mean when they say a girl is 'fiiiine'

i hope you understand that. i wish people would understand that my opinion about myself is MY opinion, and i'm only trying to change myself for the better. noone does anything for themself that they know is bad for them. even cutters, yeah obviously its stupid and healthwise 'bad' for you, but it may make you FEEL better, and isn't peace of mind the one of the most valuable things a person can have?

honestly i don't know.

i just want to be as good as i can possibly be. in every single area.

losing weight is not only a matter of becoming thin, i need to prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to change who i am. i don't want to be controlled by those stupid numbers on the scale.

yes i realize i'm AM being controlled right now, but once i'm thin enough, i will be out of its grasp.

once i prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to overcome this fat problem, i will be able to do anything. i will be confident, and even if i might not BE beautiful, i will feel it.

that will be enough.

-Azalea

i am willing to have my period every day for the rest of my life if it continues to cover up my hunger pains.
and you know what? i only had a spoonful of blackbeans and two jello cups. definitely under 200cal.
-Azalea

new plan. stay under 200cal a day.
by eating 10cal JELLO CUPS.
up to 20 a day.
hm. that sounds like heaven to me.
and lots of green tea and detox tea.
-Azalea

Today I Am Beautiful.

Azalea and I decided last night that we were only going to eat a cup of yogurt today.
And that only when we were dying of hunger. So far, I have had ice water, a bottle of Diet Pepsi, and three orange Skittles. (To appease my grandma.)
I am running on empty and feeling good. I am strong today: I ran the concession counter for my sisters gymnastics meet. That boils down to three hours straight staring at all sorts of calories and sugar and carbs right there... And taking absolutely nothing.
That is how strong I am. I can deny.

I hope this will continue for tonight. I will go driving with my dad, I will not splurge on dinner or any dessert.

Strongstrongstrongstrongstrong.

And yet, for all of my emptiness today, I am still not empty enough.

Empty is strong; empty is full. My mantra.

I will weigh myself at the end of tonight, and that will give me inspiration to stay strong tomorrow.

I
can
do
this.

I know I can.

Stay strong. It is soooo delicious when you do.

-Ivie