you know. most people's weaknesses are the sugary fatlaced sweet stuff, but mine is the oilysaltygreasyfilled-with-cholesterol junk that will kill me even faster.

my mother buys cake and candy and pastries all the time, but i never touch them. i like to think if that as a little victory i have over the world.

tomorrow. i will eat only one cup of activia, one-two jello cups, half a bottle of IZZE, and my diet tea.

since i'm eating so little i obviously won't have a lot of stuff to poop. but i can't stand feeling alll clogged up, because the feeling after taking a huge dump makes me so happy. and you instantly lose weight from it.

weight, it's just a number. there are tons of people heavier than me who look so much thinner.

my weight may just be a number, but its the only measurable way i can prove that i'm good enough.

its not enough to hear from people that i'm fine. i need to be more than fine, i need to be what guys mean when they say a girl is 'fiiiine'

i hope you understand that. i wish people would understand that my opinion about myself is MY opinion, and i'm only trying to change myself for the better. noone does anything for themself that they know is bad for them. even cutters, yeah obviously its stupid and healthwise 'bad' for you, but it may make you FEEL better, and isn't peace of mind the one of the most valuable things a person can have?

honestly i don't know.

i just want to be as good as i can possibly be. in every single area.

losing weight is not only a matter of becoming thin, i need to prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to change who i am. i don't want to be controlled by those stupid numbers on the scale.

yes i realize i'm AM being controlled right now, but once i'm thin enough, i will be out of its grasp.

once i prove to myself that i'm disciplined enough to overcome this fat problem, i will be able to do anything. i will be confident, and even if i might not BE beautiful, i will feel it.

that will be enough.

-Azalea