so the other day, i was drunk. and i mean REALLY drunk.

i don't remember much of what happened, but the only thing i do remember is that i had a revelation.

my father is the reason i am so fucked up.

i think it started when i was seven or eight, he would constantly tell me to eat less, or that i look fat, or that when i grow up i'll be ugly and stupid things like that. i remember it got to the point that i had to hide food in my room. i used to hide popcorn in my nightstand, and the kernels would get stuck in my teeth, and i think that's probably why i got a cavity that year.

anyway. i had such a fucked up childhood. on top of lots of scarring stuff i would rather not talk about, i was never able to enjoy myself because i was always worried about how i look to other people. i know i care about what other people think of me wayyy too much, but i can't help it anymore. its sad that the worst thing i anyone could call me is ugly, or fat.

anyway. i am writing this now, because my dad has been wanting me to wear shorts and skirts and stuff, 'dress like a girl' as he puts it. i told him i have a body image problem and low self esteem, WHICH HE FUCKING CAUSED but the fucker says i shouldn't be ashamed of myself. on the other hand, my mom says i need to run and exercise in order to be at the very least, 'normal'. seriously. are the hypocrites or what?

annnyway alot of people know that i'm trying to lose wieght, and they suck because when i go out with them and they want to eat but i decline, they are like 'oh you're fine have a cupcake', so i take it because they make me feel better and then i feel worse because i have to purge and i also get fat.

ah i'm getting so distracted while writing this post.

later

-Azalea